The Completely Useless A-Z Of Parenting

Sadly babies don’t come with an instruction manual and no two are the same.  Here are some handy hints for you all to laugh your way through in my brand new A-Z guide to parenting. Enjoy!

A– Age gap. For us the magic number is 3 years but to be honest regardless of the age gap, they’ll spend the first 18 years fighting and hating each other anyway!

B– Belching.  Children have a tendency to belch as loud as they possibly can at the absolute worst times, such as when you are on the phone taking an important call from your boss. Cringe.

C– Crawling. Once they’re on the move you’re basically screwed.  Anything and everything they can get their hands on is fair game.

D– Dummy. You swear all through your pregnancy your child won’t ever have a dummy. I give it til day 2 before that goes out the window and the dummy is your best friend. (For my American readers dummy=pacifier).

E– Energy.  Where the hell they get so much of it from I don’t know but if anyone manages to find a way to bottle it they will become very rich indeed (please send me some!).

F– Food.  Mostly used to decorate every possible surface in throwing reach rather than actually being eaten. Baby-led weaning?  Cover everything in plastic sheeting!

G– Grow.  Kids grow faster than the blink of an eye.  They outgrow clothes before they’ve even worn them and have the attitude of a teenager by the age of 2.

H– Help!!  In all seriousness if you are struggling and need help do not be afraid to ask for it.  This parenting malarkey can be hard work.  There is loads of support out there if you need it.

I– Injections. They will cry and it will break your heart. Bring back up and chocolate (for you, not the baby).

J– Jumperoo.  This thing will be your best friend. Put them in it and they can’t escape. Its great.

K– Kids. Once you have a child you are thrown into the world of parties and play dates where you find yourself inviting kids over that you don’t even like to trash the house you once treasured.

L– Lego.  Like walking on fire when you step on it bare foot in the middle night whilst checking on your beautiful sleeping little angels. Wear slippers – you have been warned!

M– Milk. Be prepared to feel like an actual real life daisy cow as you become a human milk machine.

N– Nursery rhymes. Seriously who the hell comes up with these stupid songs anyway?!

O– Opinions. Every man and his dog will have one. Most of them probably not at all helpful.  Follow your gut instinct.

P-Poo. Lots of it. Bring pegs for nose.

Q– Questions. Your child will ask approximately 50 trillion questions a day about the most random crap you can possibly imagine and most of it you probably wont even know the answer to.

R– Rage. Tantrums are a daily occurrence.  The terrible twos are followed by the terrible threes, terrible fours, terrible fives, terrible six……… you get the picture.

S-Sleeping.  You can kiss goodbye to that!

T-Trolley. Once you are a parent you will forever rock a supermarket shopping trolley back and forth whether there’s a child in there or not!

U- Urine. Babies always choose to urinate just as you go to change their nappy. Particularly fun if you have a boy.

V– Vomit.  The badge of parenthood.

W-Watching kids TV. Believe me you will know all the theme tunes to every program inside out, then when you’re trying to focus on your work or get to sleep (ha!) you’ll have them going round your head on repeat for no apparent reason whatsoever.

X-Xylophone. If someone buys your kid one of these they must secretly hate you.

Y-You.  The person you lost when you became …(insert name here)…’s mum.

Z-Zombie. How every parent feels for the first 18 years (and beyond!).


Leave a Reply